I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
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I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
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Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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