I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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