I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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