I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
