Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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