At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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