you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
