Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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