My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
