it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
