thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
