i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
