so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
