I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
