I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
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and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
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I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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