I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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