The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
