i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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