He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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