My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
