I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
