He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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