I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
