We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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