The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
