Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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