My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
