Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
