plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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