hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
