Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
wat bout pragnant strippers??
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
