Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
