I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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