I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
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We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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