his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
