My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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