I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
