Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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