I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
