I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
