i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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