Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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