We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
