just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Randomize
