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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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