Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
