I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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