well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
