I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
