i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
