Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
4 words: hood of his car
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
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