I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
