I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
