I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
