My room smells like vodka and shame
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
my nose is crying tears of wow.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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