I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
