I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
