so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
