dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
