Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
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Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
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Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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