Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
