i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
